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How to Give a Cat a Pill
version #1

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour a pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for vet to make a house call.

16. Get vet to make house call; vet wraps cat in towel, cradles it upside down on one arm, administer pill with other hand and says "There, see how easy that was?"

How to Give a Cat a Pill
version #2

  • Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into tis mouth.
  • Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
  • Follow same procedure as in first step, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm.  Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
  • Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
  • Again proceed as in first step, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be a le to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
  • Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
  • If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man......have a good cry.
  • Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming first position, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and . . . Oooops!
  • This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
  • Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
  • Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
  • Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
  • Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
  • Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man or woman.
  • Resume first position again. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
  • Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
  • Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
  • Take two aspirins and lie down

How to Give a Dog a Pill

1. Do you have peanut butter, cheese, bread, lunch meat, marshmellows or any food in your house to put the pill in? 

2. See step #1